When a client tells me they’re exhausted, I don’t ask about their sleep first. I ask them to write down everything sitting on their mind.
Almost without fail, we discover they’re carrying “mental load” that has nothing to do with how physically active their day actually was — unfulfilled dreams, unresolved pressure, unfinished tasks that were never really theirs to carry.
My Own Story
As a mother, I struggled for years with a mental load that was never mine to carry. As the key person responsible for the intellectual, emotional and physical running of my home, I felt overwhelmed and always tired, wondering if all other women were as tired as me. If they were, then motherhood was, at that point, not enjoyable for me.
Allison Daminger, who wrote the book What’s on Her Mind, succinctly distinguishes between cognitive and physical household tasks. Some men may struggle to understand the mental load women carry, as men tend to be less culturally trained to function in that way, given that they are not usually the main adult responsible for cognitive household tasks.
I had to consciously decide to share the cognitive chores with my husband, which meant that, when it was his turn to plan, I had to gently show him what cognitive planning entailed and switch off from most of the household tasks — especially when I was a nursing mother. For example, he needed to know that packing a bag for a trip had to include planning for what to do if the child fell ill, what texture of food would be less messy and easier to eat on a flight, and all the cognitive planning that is far more complex than simply putting together a bunch of snacks and clothes the child won’t want or need on a long trip — which only leads to more stress for the whole family.
The reason I am highlighting cognitive chores is that, often unnoticed, they become one of the major mental loads for women, especially those with young children — even for tasks they delegate to others. Alongside this come dreams put on hold and hundreds of unfinished tasks.
If you’ve ever felt tired in a way sleep doesn’t fix, ask yourself what mental load are you carrying? Can you share some of the cognitive tasks to your partners, helpers or staff. You can go deeper into practical ways to care for your mind by getting your copy of The ABCs of Wellness Through Biblical Wisdom on Amazon. Alternatively you can get my free Mind self care Guide so that you can learn practical ways to offload and manage your mental load and enjoy a life of mental wellbeing amidst your daily responsibilities
